The Misadventures of Cleon
by The Hobbit Lass
Summary: An odd tale in which the people of Tortall celebrate National Cleon Abuse Day, Owen does the Jolly Dance, Jon talks to eggplants, and Kel starts a Help the Peasants campaign. Not for Cleon fans!
1. The First Chapter

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. Have a jolly day everyone, and may the jolliness be with you!

Let me warn you. This story is complete and utter nonsense. It also contains a large amount of Cleon bashing, because he is an oaf and I dislike him very much. People who like Cleon and/or are repulsed by nonsense probably will be offended. That is all.

* * *

Chapter One

Once upon a time in a land called Tortall, there was a rather oafish person named Cleon of Kennan. Cleon was a knight and he enjoyed shiny objects, hopscotch, roasted possum, jump-rope, collecting rocks, purple dresses, and various other things.

One day, Cleon was walking through the palace and decided to visit a fellow knight whom he loved very much. He went up staircases and through hallways until he arrived at this particular knight's room. He knocked on the door and waited for a response.

"Who is it?" said the voice of Keladry of Mindelan.

"It's Cleon!"

"Cleon?" Kel happened to have no feelings for Cleon whatsoever, and did not wish to answer the door. "Um... I can't come out right now! Uh, I-I'm sick! Yes, horribly sick!"

Cleon was alarmed. "Pearl of my heart, why ever are you sick?"

"Just go away, Cleon! The farther you are from me, the faster I'll get better!"

"Oh! Alright, then I'd better get out of here as quickly as possible!" And so Cleon ran away from Kel's room, out of the hall, and up and down several flights of stairs. "I wish I had a ham sandwich right about now!"

"Cleon, you are a ham sandwich!" said Wyldon with a laugh.

"What in the name of Kel's manly body are you talking about?"

Wyldon shrugged and scratched his incredibly bald head. "I really don't know. But I've decided that I don't like you, as you offend my wonderful baldness!" He stroked his head affectionately. "I love you, Baldy!"

Cleon looked disturbed. "Were you just talking to your head?"

"Yes, actually I was! I have named my head Baldy, and I love him very much!"

"NO! I despise baldness above all things! Even more than politics and already chewed gum!" shouted a voice. Kel stood in the doorway, holding out her sword menacingly. "I shall smite down your baldness!"

Wyldon yanked the sword out of Kel's rather manly hands. "No threatening people under the palace roof!" One of his blood vessels then burst and he ran off to anger management class.

Kel then threw a tantrum. "I WANT MY SWORD AND I WANT IT NOW!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, kicking and punching one of the palace walls.

Alanna then happily walked by and said calmly, "Dear Kel, it would be quite nice if you stopped yelling." She smiled and walked calmly away.

Owen was standing there dumbstruck. "Kel lost her temper! And Alanna didn't! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! What is the world coming to!"

Cleon then gave Owen an oafish shove in the back and said, "I thought this was about me!"

Kel stopped throwing a tantrum and then yelled, "CLEON ABUSE TIME!"

"Uh-oh," said Cleon, not liking the sound of that.

Jon then came running by in bright purple underwear and said, "Wow, it's usually me who gets abused!" A large metal block then fell from the sky and landed on top of him.

"I love you, giant metal block!" cried Thayet, throwing her arms around it. She then kicked Cleon in the shins and skipped away.

"Ouchies!" said Cleon. "It looks like the queen woke up on the wrong side of the bathtub this morning!"

"Hey Cleon, have you read the book All Dumb Oafs Say No?" asked Neal, grinning evilly.

"No," Cleon innocently replied. Neal then ran off to have a massive laughing fit. Cleon blinked like a rather stupid goldfish gifted with magical blinking abilities. "What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing, Cleon," said Kel. "It is far too complicated for one such as yourself to understand."

"Hello, my mirage of delight!" said Cleon cheerfully.

Kel picked up a pointy stick and beat him with it. "Stop hitting on me, you fool!"

"But you're my dewdrop! My rose! My Oscar Meyer wiener!" Cleon then began listing all of his other incredibly stupid nicknames.

"Those have got to be the absolute worst nicknames I've ever heard," said Kel. "I'm now going to go vomit in King Jonathan's bed." And she ran off.

"Why is everyone acting so strangely around me today?" Cleon wondered.

"Because today is National Cleon Abuse Day!" cried Owen. "Isn't that jolly?"

"No, not really," said Cleon.

"You dumb oafish jerk! You have offended everything that jolly stands for!" yelled Owen, kicking Cleon in his rather large behind. He then cackled like a jolly little weirdo and ran away in a fit of jolliness.

"National Cleon Abuse Day?" said Cleon. "What the heck is a Cleon…? Why are we all abusing it…?"

"Because it is fun and delicious!" said Buri. She picked up a paper airplane and threw it at Cleon.

"Eek!" Cleon ran as fast as his oafish body would allow him. "Hey, I see a chicken leg!"

Daine hit Cleon over his ridiculously orange head. "Not so fast! Are you thinking of abusing any domestic fowl!" she demanded.

"Huh?" said Cleon.

Daine then turned herself into a pink pony and galloped away to eat asparagus flavored candy canes. Cleon was very confused. He also felt that asparagus and butter should get married, because they tasted so magical together.

Kel then walked by, twirling her big pointy glaive around dangerously. "Good day, lovely lady knight!" said Cleon.

Kel growled and hurled her glaive at Cleon.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" screamed Cleon, managing to dodge the glaive (an amazing feat for someone as oafish as him). Kel laughed like a maniac and started to dance around like a person dancing.

"Hey, I like dancing!" said Cleon excitedly. "Come my dove, dance with me!" He then started dancing in an extremely clumsy and oafish way.

"You call that dancing!" said Kel, disgusted.

"CLEON, STOP DANCING!" screamed Gary anxiously.

"Why?"

"You might cause an earthquake!"

"I don't get it," said Cleon. "And earthquakes are scary! The last time I experienced an earthquake, a crack opened up in the ground and my donut fell in it!" He started to cry. "I miss that donut!"

"Donuts are for the weak," said Kel. "I am Yamani stone, and I will never submit to the donuts!"

"Donuts have reminded me of the fact that it is now lunchtime!" said Cleon. He started to skip around happily.

"Only girls skip, you fool!" said Joren, who had been caught skipping just the week before. Neal had blackmail evidence of it.

Cleon immediately stopped skipping. "Well, I'm going to go have lunch now," he said, walking oafishly over to the great hall.

* * *

Well, there's the first chapter. Stay tuned for more oaf bashing! 


	2. The Next Chapter

Chapter Two

Cleon went into the great hall and sat down next to Kel. "AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! It's sitting by me!" screamed Kel. She grabbed her food and ran off.

"Oh dearie me! The pearl of my rather disturbed heart is disgusted by me!" whined Cleon, succeeding in sounding even whinier than Jonathan.

"Everyone is disgusted by you on this special day," said Kel, who was standing on the other side of the room. "And I'm NOT the pearl of your heart!"

"You're not?"

"No. And I am sick and tired and fatigued and exhausted and sick and tired of you constantly hitting on me!" She grabbed a bowl of expired avocado sauce and threw it at Cleon's hand.

"Now I smell like expired avocados!" Cleon complained.

"Cleon, you always smell like expired avocados," Merric commented.

Kel stood there and laughed her head off. Literally. "Oops." She picked up her head, screwed it back on, and resumed laughing. "I love National Cleon Abuse Day!"

"Don't we all?" said Neal, who busily poking Cleon with a fork.

"Well, um… I'm going to leave now," said Cleon. He got up oafishly out of his seat and headed for the doorway. Being the clumsy oaf that he is, he managed to trip over a giant metal block, causing it to slide over a few feet, thus defying the laws of physics and logic and all those other crazy laws.

Jon got up from under the giant metal block. "I'm free!"

"Cleon, you fool!" screamed Wyldon. "You moved that metal block off of Jon!" he grabbed a chair and started whacking Cleon with it.

"Uh… Wyldon needs to take his medicine," said Duke Baird, motioning Wyldon away.

"No, not that stupid medicine they gave me at anger management class!"

"So… what did I miss while being trapped under that block?" Jon asked in a complaining voice.

"We've been abusing Cleon," said Kel. "And now that we're once again being plagued by your presence, we can abuse you too!"

"Noooo!" screamed Jon. "But I'm your beloved king!"

Cleon then slipped in a puddle of rainbow colored ink and fell down, putting a huge crater in the ground.

"Cleon, you dented the floor!" cried Kel. "How could you!"

"Hey, this is my beloved floor!" cried Jon angrily. "And since I am the king I say that Cleon has to pay for the damage!"

Cleon got up dizzily and asked, "What do I have to pay?"

"You have to pay me a million dust particles!"

Cleon stared at him in disbelief. "A million dust particles?" he cried. Jon nodded stupidly. "Okay," said Cleon. He went over to a dusty shelf and gathered up all the dust particles in a piece of tissue. He then handed it to Jon.

"Oh goody!" said Jon. "I've always wanted dust particles as pets! Let's see... this one will be named Bob, and this one Bob, and this other one over here Bob, and that one Bobby..."

"I'm bored," said Neal.

Kel karate-chopped him. "PROTECT THE COMMON FOLK! PROTECT THE COMMON FOLK!" she screamed, throwing moldy cabbages at peasants.

"My flower, what are you screaming about?" asked Cleon.

"DOWN WITH CLEON!" Kel yelled through a megaphone.

"How did that megaphone get here?" cried Gary.

"I dunno," said Kel with a confused shrug. "I found it in my pants."

"I found something in my pants once," said Jon stupidly. "Want to know what?"

"NO, WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW, YOU UNINTELLIGENT FOOL!" screamed Alanna.

Fifteen and a half seconds later, Owen sprayed pepper spray in Cleon's face. "AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" screamed Cleon. Owen danced around with glee.

"I'm doing the Jolly Dance!" Owen announced, jumping around like a drunken kangaroo. Cleon screamed in agony, collided with George, and dislocated his forehead.

"How can you dislocate your forehead?" Neal wanted to know.

"You can't," said a disembodied voice.

"I don't get it," said Neal confusedly.

"Of course you don't," the disembodied voice replied. "You're a Neal. And Neals don't get anything."

"DO THE JOLLY DANCE!" cried Owen. He grabbed Peachblossom by the hand and danced around in a circle. "But I don't have hands!" Peachblossom complained.

"Bad horsey!" screamed Kel, whacking Peachblossom with an old carrot. "Complaining is for horses, not goldfish!"

"But I'm not a goldfish!" protested Peachblossom.

"SHUT UP! ANIMALS CAN'T TALK, YOU FOOL!" Kel yelled.

"Kel and yell rhyme," said Jon.

Daine then sprung out of a wine bottle and said, "Um, I guess Peachblossom can talk for the time being!" She then smashed the wine bottle over Cleon's head.

"Ouch," said Cleon. "I must now go visit my grandmother that is ill!"

"Fine then!" said Alanna. "Nobody wants you around anyway!"

And so Cleon, with a basket filled with grass flavored gelatin on his arm, walked out the door.


	3. And the Next Chapter

Chapter Three

Cleon was skipping through the Royal Forest like a happy-go-lucky little girl. "My dearly beloved granny is going to be happy to have this grass flavored gelatin that I made!"

Suddenly, a wolf jumped out from behind Alanna's favorite cardboard box! "AAAAAGGGGHHH!" Cleon screamed. "It's the Big Bad Wolf!"

"I like kissing pigs," said Ralon of Malven, taking off his wolf mask.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" said Cleon.

"Yes, as a matter of fact," said Ralon. He suddenly dropped dead and a bunch of little insects gathered around and happily danced in a circle around his body.

"Well that sure was weird," Cleon said to himself. "And what in the world is Alanna's favorite cardboard box doing here in the forest?" Suddenly, Jump the dog jumped out of the box in a jumping jumpy jump and jumped away jumpingly. "I think the author has become fond of the word jump."

Tortall's resident oaf continued to skip along like a pleasantly humored little girl, until he came to a little house sitting in the middle of a field of shoes.

"I like shoes," said Cleon. He picked up several shoes and tried them on, but none would fit his oafish feet. He opened the door of his grandmother's house and screamed, "HEY GRANDMA, I BROUGHT YOU SOME GRASS FLAVORED FOOD!"

Yoda the Jedi master came to the door and croaked, "Thanking you I am, clumsy fool. May the Force be with you!"

"Um... yeah. Whatever, Grandmother," said Cleon.

"Your grandmother I am not!" Yoda yelled in confusion. "Who the heck are you?"

Cleon did reply and turned around to go back to the palace. Yoda put some of the grass flavored gelatin down his robes and then dropped dead because he forgot to pay his house bills.

Cleon arrived back at the palace and went inside. "I'm baaaaaaaaack!"

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME BACK HERE AGAIN UNLESS YOU'VE BROUGHT FIVE MONTH OLD CREAM CHEESE WITH YOU!" screamed Alanna. She took a spoon out from behind her ear and began whacking Cleon with it.

"Haha!" said Jon, pointing and laughing. Alanna then whacked him with her spoon repeatedly. "Fear my spoon of death!" she cackled.

"I'm sorry!" cried Jon. "Now please get that spoon away from me!"

"Jonathan's actually sorry about something!" cried Thayet. She then went into shock and had to go to the hospital.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEL!" shouted Owen. He threw an armful of pinecones covered in vanilla frosting into the air, which then fell down and hit people on the head.

"IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!" screamed Kel.

"Let's all do the Jolly Dance in honor of Kel's birthday!" said Owen, jumping around like a drunken kangaroo.

Princess Shinkokami then turned into a cricket and Joren of Stone Mountain walked into the room.

"NOOOO! MY GIRLFRIEND IS A HIDEOUS BUG!" cried Prince Roald. He ran around sobbing hysterically and accidentally stepped on Shinko. "Uh... oops."

"I'm here for Kel's birthday!" said Joren.

"IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!" screamed Kel.

Random people pointed at Joren and said, "Is that a boy or a girl?"

Joren started to cry. "I'm not a girl! I'm just pretty, okay!" Alanna whacked Joren with her spoon, just because she felt like it.

"I haven't done anything ever since I walked in here," said Cleon.

"THAT'S BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU!" said Thayet, who had been released from the hospital and was eating a surgical mask that she stole.

"Dove of desire, I've gotten you a birthday gift!" Cleon said to Kel.

"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THIS!" screamed Kel. "IT'S **_NOT_** MY BIRTHDAY!"

Everyone was silent. Crickets (including Shinko the half-dead cricket) chirped in the background. Kel sat down, thinking that she had convinced them all. Suddenly, everybody shouted, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEL!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kel screamed. "I HATE YOU ALL!" she grabbed a chunk of plastic and started hitting random people with it.

"Wow. And I thought I needed anger management," said Wyldon, calming one of his twitching veins.

A couple of palace healers grabbed Kel and dragged her away. "NOOOOOOO!" said Cleon. "Where are you taking my pearl?"

"Oh, they're just putting her in a nice rubber room for a little bit," answered Duke Baird. "Don't worry, she'll be out soon."

"Look everyone!" announced Jon. "Look at my pink goldfish!"

"How can it be a goldfish if it's pink?" asked Alanna.

"I DON'T KNOW!" screamed Jon in a painfully high voice. The pink goldfish then dropped dead. "Wh-what happened?"

"It must have died from contact with Jon," said Duke Baird matter-of-factly. "Too much exposure to Jonathan can be hazardous to your health."

"What?" screamed Thayet. "But I'm married to him! NOOOOOO, I DON'T WANNA DIE!" She then had a severe panic attack and had to go back to the hospital.

Numair then dropped from the ceiling and screamed, "PIZZA DELIVERY!"

"Huh?" said random people. Numair then pulled a box out of his shirt pocket and took out some pizza slices and threw them at people.

Jon grabbed a slice of pizza and said, "This pizza shall be the replacement of my dear departed pink goldfish! I will name him... Johnny!" He then ate the slice of pizza.

"Jon, you're an idiot," commented Alanna.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'VE EATEN JOHNNY!" cried Jonathan.

"Jon, you're an idiot," commented Alanna.

"WHY DO ALL MY PETS DIE!"

"Jon, you're an idiot," commented Alanna.

"IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY!" screamed Wyldon.

"Wyldon, you're an idiot," commented Alanna.

"Jolly," announced Owen.

"UP, UP, AND AWAY! TO PIZZA, AND BEYOND!" screamed Numair. He jumped up into the air and disappeared through one of the walls.

"Oh no!" cried Daine. "My pizza's talking to me!"

"Maybe it's Johnny's brother!" said Jon.

"Huh?" said Daine. She ate her slice of pizza and then threw up all over Cleon.

"Why is it always me?" Cleon whined.

"Because today is a very special day in which it is always you!" Alanna answered. "You should feel honored to be so abused!"

"I'm going to go visit my mirage of delight now and wish her happy birthday and stuff," said Cleon. Nobody made any replies, simply because nobody cared.

And so Cleon walked out of the room, and was about to go visit Kel, when he realized that he didn't even know exactly where Kel was.

* * *

Hahaha! Yoda was mistaken for a grandmother! 


	4. The Chapter After That

Chapter Four

Cleon was wandering the palace, unsure of where Kel had been taken. He opened a random door, poked his head in, and screamed. "THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN THERE! AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

Raoul, who had popped out of nowhere, took a look inside the room. "Oh that's just the body of Francis of Nond. He was an unimportant page years ago and we dumped his body in here because he was too unimportant to have a funeral."

"Oh," said Cleon oafishly. Raoul then tried walking on his hands, fell over, and rolled down five hundred flights of stairs.

Cleon continued his wanderings. He ended up in a bathroom that hadn't been cleaned in four hundred years, found a room filled with buckets of purple cheese, and walked in on Wyldon and Sir Myles kissing. And meanwhile Raoul was still rolling down those five hundred flights of stairs.

"I think I'll go to the healing wing," said Cleon.

"Why didn't you go there in the first place, you oaf!" said a disembodied voice.

Cleon ignored the voice and opened a random door located in the healing wing. He found several healing mages beating a random person on the head with hammers. "Uh... hi?" said Cleon.

Startled, the healing mages hid their hammers behind their backs. "Um... we were just healing a patient!" they said.

"I'm here to see Kel," said Cleon.

"Okay," said one of the healing mages. "Right this way." He showed Cleon to a door.

"Thanks," said Cleon oafishly.

"You're welcome. Now gimme fifty gold nobles!"

"But-" said Cleon. The healing mage hit him with a pillow made of bricks. "GIVE ME THE MONEY NOW, OAF!"

"Fine," said Cleon, throwing the money at him. "Why do I have to pay you anyway?"

"Oh, no particular reason!" said the healing mage. "It's all just a part of celebrating National Cleon Abuse Day!" and he skipped off.

As Raoul was rolling down the two hundred and eleventh flight of stairs, Cleon opened the door that he been shown to, and went inside. Kel sat in a chair wearing a straight jacket.

"Good day, my lovely dewdrop," said Cleon, making Kel scowl at him. "Happy Birthday!"

Kel let out an earsplitting roar and ripped her straight jacket to pieces. "IT'S... NOT... MY... BIRTHDAY!" and she beat the stuffing out of Cleon and threw him down five hundred flights of stairs.

Cleon was falling down the stairs when he soon met up with Raoul, as falling is faster than rolling. "Raoul, what are you doing here?"

"I don't know!" said Raoul. "But I like barbequed socks!" Cleon and Raoul at last came to the five hundredth flight of stairs. They fell to the ground in a tangled heap.

"Eeeehhhhhhh..." gasped Raoul. "Can't... breathe. Too much... oafish weight..." Cleon had landed on top of Raoul, and was crushing the life out of him.

"Oops," said Cleon in an oafish way. He got off of Raoul. "I can breathe again!" screamed Raoul. He then ran off to do things that people named Raoul do.

"Where did my flower get off to?" Cleon wondered.

"I don't know," said a random monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Cleon. He forced his incredibly oafish body to move, and ran away from the monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads.

The monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads began to cry with extreme sadness. "I just wanted to ask him where the laundry detergent is!"

Cleon ran until he became short of breath and had to stop.

"You need to exercise more, you oaf!" screeched Alanna, waving her spoon of death at him.

"Um, people?" said Cleon, ignoring Alanna. "I'm beginning to think that maybe it really isn't Kel's birthday."

Everyone laughed at Cleon. "Of course it's Kel's birthday, you idiot! If it wasn't her birthday today, she would have told us so!"

"Is it just me, or does logic seem to have no meaning or place here?" wondered Cleon.

Suddenly Owen ran by in a leotard covered in fish scales and screamed, "THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT IS UNDER NEAL'S BED!"

"It is!" said the monster 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads.

Neal was sitting on the floor of his room playing with his favorite doll. Suddenly, the monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads burst in.

"Aaaagghhh!" shrieked Neal.

The monster with 85,654,201,789,005,364,637,290,000,000,000 heads grabbed Neal's bed and flung it out the window. "Aha! There's the laundry detergent!" he grabbed it and ran off.

"Wow," said Neal, "That was weird. And now I'll have to sleep in the bathtub." He shrugged and ate the hair off his favorite doll's head. It tasted like buttered popcorn. "Yum."

Cleon had decided to paint his shoes with purple lip gloss. "Where can I find some purple lip gloss?" he wondered.

"You can get some out of the Magical Vending Machine of Stuff!" said Owen. He put a coin in the vending machine and an empty candy wrapper came out. "Jolly!" said Owen, hugging the candy wrapper affectionately.

"Hey, I want to try it!" said Alanna. She put a coin in the vending machine and a sticker saying "Alanna Is A Man" popped out. "WHAT!" She kicked the vending machine and ran off to dunk her head in a bowl of clam chowder.

Cleon was about to use the vending machine when Jon, who was a wearing a skirt made from his own hair, beat him to it. "MAKE WAY FOR ROYALTY!" he screamed. He put a coin in the machine and a neon orange eggplant came out. "Lorenzo!" he cried, hugging the eggplant. "I thought you died a long time ago!"

"Jon, you're an idiot," said Alanna, who now had clam chowder clinging to her hair.

Cleon went over to the vending machine, put a coin in the slot, and... Kel came out of the machine! "Pearl of my heart! Whatever were you doing in there!"

"I was using this vending machine as my evil secret lair," Kel replied. "But now that you've disturbed me I can no longer eat graphite in peace!" She began to cry hysterically.

"Why would you eat graphite?" Cleon wondered.

"Because lead is poisonous! And eggplants are allergic to it!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jon. "Lorenzo's allergic to lead! Quick, destroy all the lead!"

"No way!" said Numair. "Lead is what I've been using to slowly but steadily poison Varice! Oops. You never heard that."

"Okay!" said Jon.

"Numair, you've been poisoning Varice!" shrieked Daine.

Numair looked guilty. "Um... sorry, Daine, um, I-"

"I LOVE YOU!" cried Daine, hugging Numair in a painfully tight hug. In fact, she was hugging Numair so tightly that three of his ribs turned to strawberry jello.

"Hey, I never got my purple lip gloss!" whined Cleon.

"Yes, and you never will!" said Kel. "I've destroyed the vending machine!" She pointed at the vending machine, which was now a twisted heap of metal engulfed by a fireball.

Suddenly Raoul came running in and screamed, "ORGANIC RADISHES ARE ATTACKING THE PALACE! AAAGGHH!"


	5. And then the Next One

Chapter Five

Everybody stared at Raoul in shock. "NOOOOO! Not organic radishes!" they all screamed. Several people ran away screaming to hide behind the curtains.

"Yes!" said Raoul. "They're trying to destroy the palace! We must do something!"

"Well whatever you do, keep me and Lorenzo out of it!" said Jon. He grabbed Lorenzo the eggplant and hid under a table sobbing in terror.

"CLEON, GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT!" screamed Raoul, kicking Cleon in the shins.

"Why the heck do _I_ have to go out there!" whined Cleon.

"Because no one will miss you if something goes wrong out there."

"Oh," said Cleon oafishly. He then grabbed his handy-dandy eggbeater and walked outside. Fifty thousand radishes were swarming around, throwing poisonous broccoli stems at the palace walls while random people cowered in fear.

Cleon twirled his handy-dandy eggbeater. "Um, go away, or I'll, uh... beat you into an egg?" The radishes ignored Cleon and threw broccoli stems at him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" he cried as a broccoli stem struck his incredibly oafish arm.

Suddenly, Jon appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the broccoli stem and cried, "Simon! Is it really you?" he then ran off with Simon the broccoli stem and disappeared. Raoul stuck his head outside the palace door. "Oaf,- er I mean, Cleon! Did you kill the radishes!"

"No," said Cleon foolishly, who had shoved his handy-dandy eggbeater down his pants and was now busy doing a rain dance.

"Fine then!" screamed Raoul in a feminine voice. "You've just lost your speaking privileges, mister!"

"But-" said Cleon.

"YOU CAN'T TALK! YOU LOST YOUR SPEAKING PRIVILEGES!" shrieked Raoul, his voice going even higher. He slammed the castle door shut.

The radishes were still menacingly harassing the area. Cleon, being an oaf with only two-thirds of a brain, had no idea what to do. Luckily, Owen the Jolly was there to save the day.

"COME WITH ME, MY JOLLY FRIENDS!" screamed Owen, as he began playing on a giant flute. The radishes immediately followed Owen, because radishes are attracted to horrible flute plating for some reason. So Owen played his giant flute very badly and led all the organic radishes over the hills and far away...

"...Teletubbies come to play!" screamed some random dude. He was then randomly chased away for being on the wrong show.

"But this isn't a show-" Cleon began to protest.

Raoul then screamed, "NO TALKING, YOU OAF!" Cleon fell silent, and went back inside the palace, where random weirdness was occurring.

Neal, for some reason, had unraveled all the thread in his shirt sleeve. "I need new laundry detergent," he said.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NEAL!" screamed Owen. He reached behind his back and handed Neal some laundry detergent as a gift.

"Hey, thanks," said Neal. "But it's not my birthday!"

"I don't care!" said Owen jollily.

"Hey, Neal and Kel have the same birthday!" said a random person.

"IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!" Kel screamed. She threw a stick at the random person. "I'm getting really sick of having to tell people that!"

"Well too bad," said a disembodied voice. Meanwhile Cleon just stood around like an oaf while everyone ignored him.

"Let's all ignore the oaf!" screamed Jon. Jon had stolen Neal's favorite doll house and was having Lorenzo the eggplant and Simon the broccoli stem play in it.

Cleon wanted to say something, but he had lost his speaking privileges and if he said anything Raoul would scream at him in a high feminine voice.

Neal suddenly burst into salty tears. "Jon stole my favorite doll house!"

"Uh... no I didn't!" said Jon. "Um... Cleon did!"

"HOW DARE YOU!" shouted Neal, hitting Cleon with Numair's left shoe. Numair didn't mind. He just sat there and ate his other shoe.

"Well, I guess I'll be leaving now!" whined Jon. "Since I keep getting yelled at." He grabbed Simon the broccoli stem and Lorenzo the eggplant and ran off.

All was peaceful until Raoul started screaming, "AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! IT'S A WALL!" he started to sob and whine like a frightened puppy.

"I'll save you!" cried Alanna. She ripped down one of the walls, and Raoul immediately stopped crying.

On the other side of where the wall used to be, everybody could see Jon parading in front of a full-length mirror wearing a dress that he had stolen from Thayet. "That's my favorite ball dress!" hissed Thayet, spraying spittle all over Cleon.

Jon felt so beautiful. He didn't think it was fair that only girls got to wear pretty dresses. Suddenly, he heard laughter and turned around. The wall was missing, and everybody in the next room was laughing at him! Jon, blushing like crazy, grabbed a curtain and shielded himself with it. "It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

Thayet looked for a weapon. She saw a rooster innocently pecking at some dental floss and grabbed it and started whacking Jon with it. It was hard to tell who screamed louder, Jon or the rooster. "How dare you steal my dresses!" yelled Thayet.

Jon started to cry. "It was the radishes that were attacking the palace! They made me do it!"

Owen suddenly jumped out of the full-length mirror and screamed "BOO!" Cleon was so startled that he nearly had an oafish heart attack.

"Owen, how did you get into that mirror!" cried Raoul, his voice at the highest note that it could possibly be at. "Answer me right now, young man!"

Owen then jumped around like a drunken kangaroo and said, "I was teaching the people that live in the mirror how to do the Jolly Dance!"

Thayet ripped the dress off Jon and stomped away. Jon then took the dress off of Neal's favorite "life-size" three foot tall Barbie and put it on.

"Why does Neal play with dolls all of a sudden?" wondered Kel.

"My dewdrop!" cried Cleon.

"CLEON, YOU OAFISH FOOL!" screeched Raoul, his voice now so high that it was hurting everyone's ears. "I SAID NO TALKING UNTIL I SAY OTHERWISE!"

"Hey, Raoul!" said Owen. "What does o-t-h-e-r-w-i-s-e spell!"

"Otherwise?" said Raoul.

"HAHA!" laughed Owen. "You said "otherwise"! Which means Cleon can speak again!"

"Hooray!" said Cleon.

"I wasn't doing it for your benefit, you oaf," said Owen. "I just wanted to make Raoul look like an idiot." Raoul then stood around looking like an idiot.

"I'm bored, and I'm an incredibly oafish oaf type person who happens to be an oafish oaf," Cleon then commented for no reason.


	6. And Another One

Chapter Six

As Cleon was standing around talking to himself, Jon was wearing a dress that was about ten sizes too small, and Owen was being jolly, George decided that he needed some toothpicks. "I need some toothpicks!" announced George.

"WHY!" demanded Alanna, pointing her sword at George's throat.

"Because... Cleon's afraid of them!" said George.

"Ok," said Alanna.

"TOOTHPICKS CAN FOUND UNDER NEAL'S BED!" screamed Owen, screaming so loud that Cleon's ear drums burst.

"Why is everything under Neal's bed!" asked Dom. "I want stuff under my bed!"

"I can be under your bed!" suggested Kel, in a very suggestive way.

"Eep!" screamed Dom. He hid behind Thayet's giant stuffed penguin.

"Where did I get that penguin?" Thayet wondered.

"George stole it," said Alanna matter-of-factly.

Neal suddenly screamed at Jon, "YOU STOLE THE DRESS OFF MY LIFE-SIZE BARBIE! HOW COULD YOU! I TRUSTED YOU, AND YOU'VE GONE AND BETRAYED ME!"

"Well I have to have a dress!" said Jon. "Or else I'll be late for the ball my Prince Charming won't be able to remember how to tie his shoes!"

"Huh?" said Neal. He ripped the dress off of Jonathan and ran off to his room.

"EEK!" screamed Jon. He began running around circles and knocked over Cleon occasionally.

"EEK!" screamed everybody else, shielding their eyes. Jon finally found his regular clothes and put them, and everybody uncovered their eyes.

Meanwhile George had gone into Neal's room to search for the toothpicks. As soon as he approached Neal's dresser, Neal sprung out of one of the drawers and made loud beeping sounds.

"YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO ACCESS THIS AREA! STEP AWAY IMMEDIATELY".

"But I just want some toothpicks!" George whined.

"But they're my own... my precious!" said Neal. "What do you want with them?"

"To scare Cleon with," George replied.

"Well, if it's for a good cause, then you can have them!" said Neal, handing George a box of toothpicks.

"YAY!" cried George. "Wait, why was I looking in your dresser when Owen clearly stated that the toothpicks were under your bed?"

"I dunno," said Neal. "Because nothing ever makes sense in this crazy world?"

"Um.. sure." George then ran out of Neal's room. Neal curled up in his bathtub and fell asleep. George nudged Alanna. "I got the toothpicks."

"HOW DARE YOU NUDGE ME!" screamed Alanna. "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF NUDGING ONE SUCH AS MYSELF! ARREST THIS MAN!"

The Lord Provost popped up grinning. "Come on George, I've been waiting to catch you for... uh... a really long time!"

"NOOO!" cried George. "My wife betrayed me!"

"Actually," said Alanna. "I'm not your wife."

"YOU'RE NOT!"

"No way! Your real wife is Shinko the half-dead cricket!" She held up Shinkokami the half-dead cricket, who twitched feebly.

"But she's my betrothed!" shouted Prince Roald. "I'M SO CONFUSED!"

"CAN WE JUST TORTURE CLEON AND STOP ARGUING!" screamed Kel.

"That sounds like a good idea!" said George. He snuck up behind Cleon and screamed, "TOOTHPICKS!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! WHERE!" cried Cleon.

"Never mind, false alarm."

Cleon let out an oafish sigh of relief. "Thank goodness," he said. He sat down on a metal chair. He had to sit on metal chairs because he would break the wooden ones. George, grinning evilly, crept up stealthily like a thief, and dropped a pile of toothpicks on Cleon's lap.

"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! THE HORROR!" screeched Cleon. He then dropped dead of fright.

"Um... I didn't do it!" said George hastily.

Jon ran over and picked up one of the toothpicks. "Oh my gosh, it's Ernest!" he said excitedly. "How in the world did you get over here, Ernest? Look, it's your friends, Lorenzo the eggplant and Simon the broccoli stem!"

"Oh no, Cleon has perished," Kel said without emotion. "We will all not miss him very much." Owen did the Jolly Dance around Cleon's body.

"Shouldn't we bury him?" asked Gary.

"Sure!" said Wyldon. He took a handful of dirt out of a nearby flowerpot and sprinkled it over Cleon's body. "There, he's buried!"

"Good enough," said everyone else.

Kel then decided to go down some stairs so she could defeat the evils of grape flavored lollipops. Suddenly, Cleon appeared right before her very eyes! "AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!' screamed Kel. "MY EYES CAN'T HANDLE THE UGLINESS OF CLEON!"

"Wait, isn't Cleon dead?" said George, who had been following Kel so that he also could defeat the evils of grape flavored lollipops.

"You idiots!" snapped Cleon. "I'm Cleon's ghost!"

"Well why are you a ghost?" asked George.

"Because I'm dead!"

"Well why are you dead?" asked George.

"Because it benefits the plot, the author, and all the people of Tortall!" said Cleon.

"Well why does it benefit the plot, the author, and all the people of Tortall?" asked George.

"GEORGE, SHUT UP!" screamed Kel. George shut up.

"I now have to go defeat the evils of grape flavored lollipops!" Kel announced. "I've been wanting to destroy it for years!"

"Ooh, me too!" said George. "Grape flavored stuff is PURE EVIL!"

"Guys, are you forgetting all about me?" whined Cleon, floating pitifully.

"Yes," said Kel.

"Well I'm leaving then!" cried Cleon.

"Good," said Kel.

Cleon then floated right through one of the walls, and Kel and George fought bravely against the pure utter evil of those vile grape flavored lollipops.


	7. Hey Look, Another Chapter

Chapter Seven

"I have slain all that is grape-flavored and evil!" cried Kel victoriously, as she destroyed the very last grape flavored lollipop.

"Aww!" whined Jon. "But I love grape stuff!" Kel then beat the stuffing out of Jon, Yamani style.

"Go Kel!" cried Cleon's ghost, cheering her on oafishly and deadly.

"Silence, you oaf!" said Kel. She grabbed her glaive and tried to stab Cleon with it. However, the glaive went right through him. "You're forgetting that I'm a ghost," Cleon informed her. Kel then threw a major tantrum and hurled Jon until he went flying right into Raoul!

"HOW DARE YOU, YOUNG LADY!" shrieked Raoul in an incredibly high voice.

"Raoul?" asked Kel. "How come your voice goes really high and feminine whenever you scream?"

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" screeched Raoul. "I now have to go polish my Stormwing feather collection!"

"Where the heck did you get a Stormwing feather collection?" wondered Alanna.

"I stole the feathers from that weird person over there." He pointed at Nawat, who was crouched underneath a table.

"Caw! Um, I mean, hello everyone!" said Nawat, smiling cutely.

"AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Jon. "IT'S THE EVIL CROW MAN!" he ran around screaming, hugging Ernest the toothpick, Lorenzo the eggplant, and Simon the broccoli stem protectively.

"He's not evil!" screamed Aly, who happened to be in Tortall for some reason, screaming so loud that Cleon's ghost was startled out of his wits. (not that he had any wits to begin with)

"ALY!" shrieked Alanna angrily, waving her spoon of death. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE!" She picked up a small table and hurled it at Aly. The table missed Aly, went right through Cleon, and hit Jon square in the face. "Ow!" moaned Jon.

"You know what really bites?" said George. "Now that Cleon's dead, he can't be hurt anymore!" he burst into tears.

"Are tears a form of mating?" wondered Nawat. He smiled cutely again and ate a cricket that he found on the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Prince Roald. "HE ATE SHINKO THE HALF-DEAD CRICKET!"

"BUT THAT'S MY WIFE!" cried George.

"WHAT!" shrieked Aly. "You mean, she's not my mother!" she pointed at Alanna.

"I think this is turning into a soap opera," commented Neal.

Alanna then burst out laughing. "I LIED WHEN I SAID SHINKO WAS YOUR WIFE, GEORGE!" she laughed so hard she fell over, knocking into Jon.

George cried. "HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME!"

"Why is everybody talking in all capital letters!" wondered Nawat.

"I LIED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT YOU AND THE LORD PROVOST HAVING AN AFFAIR!" Alanna screamed.

"Yep, this is definitely a soap opera," said Neal.

"Soap is yummy," said Nawat.

George gasped. So did the Lord Provost. "Eew!" said George. "Why would I do that!"

"I dunno!" said Alanna.

"Um... guys?" said Cleon's ghost.

"WHAT!" demanded Kel angrily.

"Um... I kind of accidentally opened up a hole in the realms of the dead," Cleon muttered.

"YOU WHAT!" said everybody.

Cleon blushed, even though ghosts were incapable of blushing. "Uh, yeah, now a bunch of dead people have escaped from the realms of the dead and have come back."

"Mwahahahahaha!" cackled Roger.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Alanna. "Now I have to kill you a third time!"

"Jon..." gasped the late King Roald. "...I am your father!"

"GASP!" gasped Jon. "ALL THIS TIME I NEVER KNEW!"

"THE COPPER ISLES SHALL BE MINE!" cackled Josiane. "Right after I marry Jonathan and give rabies to Alanna!"

"Nooo!" said Aly. "Another member of the royal house that has to be killed!"

Along with Roger, King Roald, and Josiane, there was also Alex, Liam, Joren, Queen Lianne, Ralon, and Ozorne returned from the dead.

"This is not jolly at all," commented Owen.

"ALANNA, MY LOVE!" cried Liam, throwing himself onto Alanna.

"GET OFF OF MY WIFE!" screamed George angrily. He started chick-slapping Liam.

"Hey Aly!" said Alanna. "This is your uncle Liam, your uncle Alex, your cousin Joren, your aunt Lianne, your uncle Roald, your uncle Ralon, your uncle Ozorne, your aunt Josiane, and your godsfather Roger!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Aly. "BUT I ALREADY HAVE ABOUT FIFTY THOUSAND ADOPTIVE AUNTS AND UNCLES AND ETC.!"

Roger cackled evilly. "I shall now develop an evil plan that involves toothpicks, really smart people, and a random woman who can entice Jon!"

"Oh no!" shrieked Alanna. "WHAT DO WE DO!"

"Let's sit around and do nothing!" Gary suggested.

"Sounds like a plan!" Alanna greed.

Roger picked up some toothpicks and threw them at Cleon's ghost. "Eep!" Cleon's ghost floated outside and cowered in utmost fear.

"What was the point of that, Roger!" Alex asked.

"I dunno," shrugged Roger. "I just felt like torturing Cleon!"

"Cleon Torture!" boomed a disembodied announcer's voice. "The favorite past-time of Tortall! Get involved and torture your local Cleon today!"

Roger then brought in the smartest people in the whole entire universe that know absolutely everything. "Okay, all-knowing people!" said Roger. "Tell us what you know!"

"Queen Thayet is the most hideous woman alive!" chorused the really smart people. "And if she were dead, then she would be the most hideous woman dead!" They then disappeared because they were allergic to Tortall.

"WHAT!" shrieked Thayet. "I'm not fit to be queen!" She ripped off her shiny crown and threw herself out the window.

"Now for the last part of my evil plan!" said Roger.

"What's the last part of your evil plan?" Alex asked.

"SILENCE, MY FAITHFUL SLAVE!"

A Random-Woman-Who-Can-Entice-Jonthen walked in, spotted Jon, and screamed, "IDIOTIC KINGS ARE TOTALLY SEXY!"

"Really!" said Jon stupidly.

"Marry me, Jonathan!" squealed Random-Woman-Who-Can-Entice-Jon.

"Okay!"

"Yippee!" She dragged Jon away.

"Oh dear!" said Roger, pretending to be dismayed. "Both the king and queen are no longer the king and queen! I wonder what that means...?"

"IT MEANS THAT WE SHALL PUT A HALF-RAKA QUEEN ON THE THRONE!" screamed various people of the Copper Isles.

Suddenly, Sarai came flying in through one of the windows and landed on the floor. "What the heck am I doing here?" she said. Suddenly, she laid eyes on Joren. "MARRY ME, YOU EVIL THING!" she shrieked.

"Uh... okay?" mumbled Joren. Sarai then ran off with Joren, leaving Tortall still without a monarch.

Cleon floated back into the castle. "Hey, since all of these dead people are alive, then can't I be alive too?"

"Sure!" said Numair. "So we can all abuse you!" He shot out some black light and Cleon was flesh and blood once more. Kel picked up her glaive and whacked Cleon on top of the head with it. "Take that, you oaf!"

"Um... is violence a form of mating?" asked Nawat. He grabbed a spoon, prepared to whack Aly with it.

"No!" said Aly hastily. "It's not a form of mating!"

"HEY, THAT'S MY SPOON OF DEATH!" Alanna screamed. She snatched the spoon away from Nawat and waved it at him. Nawat just sat there and smiled cutely at her.

"Hey, you guys!" whined Roger. "Pay attention to me!" Everybody ignored Roger.

"Well now the throne is available for me to take!" said Roger. He kicked Cleon in the buttocks and sat on the throne. "BOW DOWN TO MEEEEEEEEE!"

"Ooh, can I be your queen?" asked Ralon.

"Eew, no!" said Roger. "Go away, you're ugly!"

Alex stabbed Ralon. "I wanna be queen!"

Ralon stabbed Alex back. "No, me!"

"ME!" Alex stabbed Ralon.

"ME!" Ralon stabbed Alex.

"ME!" Alex aimed a stab at Ralon, missed, and stabbed Cleon instead.

"Quit fighting, you idiots!" said the Black god, who had appeared in a giant cloud. He grabbed Ralon and Alex and took them away.

"I'M KING AND EVERYBODY MUST OBEY ME!" Roger screamed at the top of his lungs. He screamed so loud that his lungs blew up and he became Stormwing food.

"Um... hurray!" everyone screamed.


	8. And Another

Chapter Eight

"Um... Tortall is without a king!" cried Gary in a panicked voice. "Whatever shall we do?"

"Ooh, I know!" said Liam excitedly. "I can marry Alanna and we can be king and queen!"

"ALANNA'S ALREADY MARRIED TO ME!" screamed George. "Don't make me threaten you with magic!" Liam then started to whimper at the mention of the "m" word.

"Liam go away and find somebody else!" Alanna ordered.

"Um... okay," said Liam. He spotted Ozorne. "Hey sexy!" he said.

"I'm a Stormwing and I smell!" said Ozorne, causing Cleon to pass out from his odor. The Black god then came and took Ozorne and Liam away, because Ozorne smells and Liam is just incredibly annoying.

Suddenly, Jon burst into the palace. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY DID HE HAVE TO COME BACK!" everyone screamed.

"I've come to reclaim my throne!" said Jon arrogantly.

"Jon, I thought you were married to Random-Woman-Who-Can-Entice-Jon!" said Raoul.

"I was!" said Jon. "But then she divorced me! And we weren't even married for an hour!" he sobbed and burst into tears.

"That's okay," said Queen Lianne. "Because now you can marry Josiane!"

Josiane grinned evilly. "Come here, Jonny!" She twirled her axe around dangerously.

"This isn't the average mating routine, is it?" Nawat asked.

Jon wet his pants. "Eep!"

Josiane hurled her axe, and Jon gave a girly scream and hid behind Cleon. The axe struck Cleon in the rear, but since his rear was ninety-percent gelatin, Cleon was unharmed.

"Stupid oaf!" hissed Josiane.

Aly then stole Alanna's spoon of death and cracked Josiane on the head with it. "Problem solved" Josiane's body was then eaten by starving peasants, and King Roald and Queen Lianne disappeared and went back to the realms of the dead.

"Was that the last of all the dead people?" Kel asked.

"Yep!" said Owen. "Which is extremely jolly!" He then did the Jolly Dance on top of a chair.

"ALY, HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY SPOON OF DEATH!" Alanna screamed.

"Uh oh!" said Aly. She quickly shoved the spoon into Cleon's hand. "Actually, I didn't take it! Cleon did!" Alanna grabbed her spoon of death and beat Cleon repeatedly with it. "NEVER TOUCH MY SPOON AGAIN!" she bellowed.

"Where's Thayet?" whined Jon whinily in a whiny way of whining whininess.

George shrugged. "I dunno."

"Well I guess Lorenzo the eggplant can be the new queen!" cried Jon, holding his eggplant into the air, looking oddly like that monkey in The Lion King holding Simba.

"WAIT!" screamed Thayet, who had burst into the palace wearing a dress made of squirrel fur. "I AM THE TRUE QUEEN! QUEEN OF THE SQUIRRELS!"

"Um, Thayet?" said Raoul. "It looks as if you killed the squirrels."

"NO I DIDN'T! CLEON MADE ME DO IT!"

"I did not!" argued Cleon.

"HE LIES!" shrieked Thayet, pointing a finger at Cleon. "THROW THE OAF IN THE DUNGEON!" Jon snapped his fingers, and a couple of thugs came and dragged Cleon away. Owen did the Jolly Dance in celebration, and Kel decided that she would buy a cake in honor of the wonderful occasion.

"Kel, don't you know that store bought cakes are pure evil!" shrieked Raoul in a voice higher than the shrill blast of a whistle.

"Well, I don't know how to cook!" whined Kel. She then walked out of the palace, dragging Neal with her.

"Why am I being dragged with you?" Neal complained.

"Because I'm too afraid to go outside alone!" cried Kel. "There might be grape-flavored lollipops lurking around!"

And so Kel and Neal walked down the dangerous streets of Corus, armed only with a fork and a piece of yarn.

"What's with the piece of yarn?" asked Kel.

"It's pretty!" said Neal, gazing at his yarn in adoration.

"Forks are better," said Kel, twirling her fork around.

Suddenly, somebody popped out and screamed, "EARS TASTE LIKE ASPARAGUS!" Kel screamed and pointed her fork in the air. Neal just stood there and stared at a shiny object he found on the ground. It was then that Kel realized that it was only George. "George, what are you doing here!"

"The goats are after me!" cried George. "I have to hide!"

"Don't worry George! My piece of yarn will protect you!" cried Neal. He threw his piece of yarn at George's face. George thanked him, placed the yarn on top of his head, and ran away to find some green eggs and ham.

Kel and Neal then walked on and went into the bakery. Onua was standing behind the counter, chewing on a plastic red and white straw. "Onua!" said Kel. "I didn't know you worked in a bakery!"

"I DON'T!" screamed Onua, going red in the face. "How dare you accuse me of such a preposterous thing!"

"Um, then what are you doing here?" asked Neal timidly.

"I live here!" said Onua. "Me and all the horses had to hide from the goats that are after us!"

"That's funny," said Kel. "George has goats after him too!"

"Well, you two are wasting my time!" snapped Onua. "NOW GET OUTTA HERE!"

"But we have to buy a cake!" pleaded Kel.

"Fine, fine, take this stupid cake that Peachblossom made!" said Onua impatiently, tossing something at them that smelled oddly like hay and pony droppings.

"What do I have to pay for this?" asked Kel.

"Hmm..." said Onua, "you can give me your souls in exchange! Mwahahahahaha!" Kel said nothing; she and Neal simply grabbed the cake and ran out of the bakery as fast as they could.

"THIEVES!" screamed Onua, making rude gestures at them with her hands. "YOU LOUSY THIEVES!" One of her veins then started throbbing uncontrollably and she had to take some special medication that she got at anger management class.

Kel and Neal managed to make it safely back to the palace. "WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAACK!" shouted Kel.

"Nooo!" squealed Raoul in a high voice. "The evil of store bought cakes shall corrupt me!" He hid underneath Myles. Myles hiccupped and slumped over on the ground.

"MYLES, WHY WON'T YOU STOP DRINKING!" screamed Alanna, hitting Myles's rump with her spoon of death.

"Can we eat cake now!" asked Neal, tugging on Kel's shirt sleeve like an annoying small child.

"Sure!"

"I GET THE FIRST PIECE BECAUSE I'M KING!" demanded Jon haughtily.

"Fine, you self-centered freak!" said Kel. She cut up a piece and tossed it at Jon. He took a bite, and suddenly yelled, "I'M DYIIIIIIIIIING!"

"What's wrong?" asked Kel.

Jon started choking and gagging. Everybody then pointed and laughed at their king. "It tastes like... hay!" wheezed Jon.

"Of course it tastes like hay!" said Kel. "Peachblossom made it!"

"Your horse made a cake!" yelled Alanna. "WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!"

"Actually, that's fascinating!" cried Daine, who was perched on top of George's head. "I will now teach the horses human ways!"

"You can't do that!" argued Numair. "If you do, then the horses are going to take over the world! AAAGHH!" he hid under Myles. Except Raoul was already hiding under Myles and so two of them had a five-hour long fist-fight.

Kel then shoved the cake under Owen's favorite pillow so it could get squashed when Owen went to bed that night. Suddenly, Wyldon came running by and screamed, "CLEON HAS ESCAPED FROM THE DUNGEON!" Everyone then began panicking like a bunch of morons.

* * *

Reviews will be much appreciated! (hint hint) 


	9. Yet Another Chapter

Yes, I know, I haven't updated this story in months. But here's a new chapter, yippee! I decided to improve this story, so I gave it a new title and kind of rewrote it a little bit. My other story, Random Tales About Various People, has also been rewritten, so feel free to check that out.

* * *

Chapter Nine 

"THERE IS CURRENTLY AN OAF RUNNING LOOSE IN THE PALACE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed some random man with a really loud voice.

"Shouldn't we capture him?" asked George.

"Never fear, I shall vanquish the oaf with my spoon of death!" cackled Alanna. She looked at her empty hand. "WHERE'S MY SPOON OF DEATH!"

George sighed. "It's in your _other _hand, Alanna!"

"Oh yeah," said Alanna, looking at her left hand.

"Are you sure you're not blonde?" George wondered.

Suddenly, Cleon wandered into the room carrying a dead turkey. "AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Raoul in his high-pitched scream. "The oafish menace is brutally slaughtering our livestock!"

Cleon started to cry. "But the invisible hobo told me to do it! He wanted to make hobo soup and he needed a turkey!"

"HE LIES!" shrieked Thayet. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"I already died once!" protested Cleon. "I don't think it would be fair if I died twice!"

"Roger died twice!" said Alanna, waving her spoon of death inches from Cleon's oafish head.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" screamed Jon. Everybody ignored him.

"Guess what?" cried Owen. "The Cake Fairy left a magic cake under my pillow in exchange for my kidneys! That's so jolly!"

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Jon screamed again. Everybody ignored him, again.

"Um, Owen," said Kel. "There's no Cake Fairy!"

"WHAT!" cried Owen. "All my hopes and dreams and fantasies have been shattered! I hate you, Kel!" He kicked Kel in the shins and burrowed a hole in the ground and hid there.

"I SAID, I HAVE AN IDEA!" Jon screamed yet again.

"WHAT IS IT!" roared Wyldon, losing his patience.

"I say we outlaw Cleon from Tortall!" Jon announced happily.

Alanna gasped so hard her face turned purple. "Jon got an intelligent idea!"

"Actually, I am being temporarily possessed, causing me to say things I would normally never say!" Jon said. He paused. "Except now I'm not possessed anymore. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"CLEON, GET OUTTA HERE AND NEVER COME BACK!" yelled Raoul. He kicked Cleon in the buttocks and Cleon went flying out of Tortall.

"Now we'll have to make a new holiday!" Numair concluded. "National Cleon Extermination Day!"

"Hooray! Let us celebrate with much jolliness!" cried Owen excitedly.

"How can you sick people be celebrating when there are starving common folk!" screamed Kel.

"Relax, Kel, nobody cares about the commoner populace," said Neal. Kel threw a fork at him.

"HOW DARE YOU COPY ME!" roared Alanna. "IF IT WASN'T FOR MY SPOON OF DEATH, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN THE IDEA TO USE THAT FORK!"

Kel then began to cry miserably, gigantic tears pouring down her face and loud pathetic sobs issuing from her mouth.

"KEL'S CRYING! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" shrieked Raoul in a panic. Wyldon then picked up Jon's precious purple potato and knocked Kel senseless with it.

Kel opened her eyes, blinked a couple of times, took a deep breath, and screamed, "HELP THE COMMON FOLK! PEASANTS ARE PEOPLE TOO!"

"We are!" cried a random group of peasants. They happily did the Jolly Dance.

"Hey, the Jolly Dance is _my _special dance!" complained Owen.

"Owen, you must be nice to the common folk! They can dance however they want!" scolded Kel. "People need to be more respectful to the commoners, which is why I've decided to start the Help the Peasants Campaign!"

"Help the Peasants Campaign!" asked Neal.

"Yep! And you get to be a part of it, because I said so!" She stuck a badge on Neal's shirt.

"What do I have to do?" asked Neal worriedly.

"Start out by reading this 9,147 page pamphlet that I wrote on the need for commoner rights!" said Kel, shoving a booklet into Neal's hands.

Neal looked at it in disbelief. "Um... I forgot how to read?"

Kel gasped. "NEALAN! HOW COULD YOU!"

"What?"

Kel smacked him with a stuffed rabbit. "How dare you pretend you can't read! That's a mockery of all of those peasants who are illiterate! I can't believe you!"

"Kel, I think you're taking peasant rights too far!" said Raoul.

Kel pointed her glaive at his face. "You can never take peasant rights too far! Because of that insulting remark, I'm going to force you to join my Help the Peasants Campaign."

"Stupid former squire..." Raoul muttered.

"Yeah, I know," said Alanna, who had just discovered that Neal had painted her room bright pink and had stolen her favorite box of animal crackers.

"I have decided to start a peasant revolt!" Kel announced. "Neal and Raoul will be my assistants! The Help the Peasants Campaign will go where it has never gone before! Come, let us lead the peasants against the noblemen!"

"Um, Kel?" said Neal.

"What?"

"How can you lead a peasant revolt if you're not a peasant?"

"Hmm, good point." Kel sat down on Jon's foot and thought for a few minutes. "I know! We'll force the peasants to start a revolt on their own!"

"But Kel," said Raoul, "forcing peasants to do something is almost like a form of abusing them. And I thought this was about _helping_ the peasants, not controlling them."

Kel stood up and knocked Jon over. "Darn you smart people! Now what will I do?"

Neal raised his hand. "We can be like door-to-door salesmen and give away free things to the peasants! And we can brainwash them and poison them against the noblemen!"

"Great idea, Neal!" Kel gave him a big hug, and wouldn't let go.

Suddenly, Yuki walked into the room and saw Neal and Kel tenderly embracing. "Neal, you cheater! I hate you!" She threw herself out the window, landed on a giant sponge, and booked passage on a ship back to the Yamani Islands.

"Well that was strange," Neal remarked. "And now I'm wonderfully single!"

Kel was still hugging him. "Well, let's go gather up some objects to give to the peasants. The Help the Peasants Campaign shall soon be the kingdom's chief power and influence!"

Suddenly, Dom walked into the room and saw Neal and Kel tenderly embracing. "Oh no! Neal's gay!"

Neal let go of Kel in alarm. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh wait, never mind," said Dom. "At first I thought Kel was a boy."

Kel stood up in anger. "And I thought I loved you!"

"You did?"

Kel immediately blushed, making her look redder than Alanna's hair covered in tomato sauce. "Now I've released my deepest, darkest secret! For that, Dom, you have to join my Help the Peasants Campaign!"

"What's that?"

"Here." Kel handed him the 9,147 page pamphlet that she had written on the need for commoner rights. "Read that, and you shall know all about peasant rights! But first, you have to come with us on our Free Stuff Giveaway thing!"

And so Kel, Neal, Dom, and Raoul gathered up various objects that peasants would happily enjoy, and set off on the Free Stuff Giveaway Sale.


	10. Will the Chapters Ever Stop?

Chapter Ten

Neal knocked on the door of a random peasant's shack. A man answered the door and immediately screamed with fear. "AAAAGGGHHH! Nobles!" He fainted right in the doorway.

Kel prodded the man. "I didn't expect things to be this way."

Neal went over to the man and said, "Hello! We are members of the Help the Peasants Campaign!" He grinned. The man did not react, as he was still unconscious. "We are here to give away-"

Dom hit his cousin in the head with a bottle. "Neal, he can't hear you! He's unconscious!"

"Oh."

"Well this visit was pointless," said Raoul. "Let's all go back to the palace and bemoan our failure and uselessness in the world."

Kel whacked Raoul with a chicken. "NO! WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP!" She waved the chicken in the air. "I swear on this chicken that we shall help the peasants!" The chicken bit her on the nose and ran away. "CURSE YOU, CHICKEN! CURSE YOU!"

The peasant man still lay unconscious in his doorway, and so the Help the Peasants Campaign moved onto another shack. Raoul knocked on the door, which happened to be made out of rooster feathers.

A man and a woman answered the door. "Hello. Do you like our rooster feather door? We can't afford a real door!"

"Well have we got the offer of a lifetime for you!" said Kel. "I happen to have right in my pocket..." She reached into her pocket and pulled something out. "...A door!"

The peasant woman cried, "A door!" and then fainted from shock.

Her husband grabbed a chicken and beat her on the head with it. "Wake up, you fool! This is an offer of a lifetime!" The woman revived and stood back up.

Kel held the door out. "This fine wooden door is yours! For free!"

"Kel, how did you fit a door in your pocket?" Dom wanted to know.

"It was easy! You can fit anything in your pocket when the rules of logic don't apply!"

"Wow, cool!" said Neal. "So that means I could put Raoul in my shoe!" He grabbed Raoul by the arm. "Come on, Raoul, you'll love my shoe! It smells like five-year-old bubble bath!"

Raoul broke free of his grasp and started screaming in a high, falsetto voice. "DON'T YOU DARE PUT ME IN YOUR SHOE, YOUNG MAN!"

The peasant couple looked disturbed. "Um... does he always scream in that high of a voice?"

"Yes, he does!" said Kel. "Now back to business! We are proud members of the Help the Peasants Campaign! We're giving away free stuff and are trying to get the peasants to rebel against the nobles! If you join our cause, you could get a free box of toothpicks!"

"And if you poison a monarch, we'll give you a free new house!" Dom added.

"I'd love a new house!" squealed the peasant woman. "Let's go poison King Jonathan! Nobody likes him!"

Kel bowed to the peasant couple. "Thank you very much for cooperating. We hope to see you again!"

"And take a bath!" said Neal. He pulled several bars of soap out of his pockets and threw them at the peasant couple. The four of them then walked away to go to the next shack.

Dom knocked on the door. There was no answer. Suddenly, someone popped out of the rosebush that was next to the house. "HI!" said Jonathan.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" the others screamed.

"Jon, what are you doing here?" Raoul demanded.

Jon shrugged his annoying shoulders. "I'm just sitting in a rosebush! Is that some sort of crime?" He burst into tears and proceeded to cry very noisily.

Suddenly, the peasant woman from the shack they had just visited came running along, holding a bottle in her hand. "OH BOY! I'M GOING TO POISON A MONARCH!"

"Eek!" shrieked Jon. He jumped out of the rosebush and started to run.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU WORTHLESS KING!" screamed the peasant woman. She chased Jon all the way down the road, until the two of them disappeared from sight.

Neal bent down and picked something up off the ground. "Look, it's Lorenzo the eggplant! Jon must have dropped him!"

Kel cackled an evil cackle. "We can hold his eggplant hostage! That would put the idiot king through extreme anguish!" She started to laugh uncontrollably, and was unable to stop. Everyone stared at her.

Five minutes passed, and Kel was still laughing. Everyone continued to stare at her.

Five more minutes passed, and Kel was _still_ laughing. "Why won't she stop?" Raoul moaned. "What can we do to stop her?"

"I've got an idea!" said Dom. He leaped at Kel and kissed her on the mouth. Kel's crazed laughing immediately stopped.

Dom pulled away from her and stepped back a few paces. "Wow, it actually worked. Okay, well let's move onto the next- Eek!" Kel suddenly pounced on him and started kissing him uncontrollably, and was unable to stop. Everyone stared at her.

Dom shoved her off of him and hid behind Raoul. "What was that for?"

Kel had a crazed look in her eyes. "I'm going to make you mine! MINE! MINE FOREVER!" Kel advanced towards Dom, who was still cowering behind Raoul.

"Kel, I don't like the way you're looking at me," said Dom slowly. "Calm down..."

"NEVER!" She sprang at him, but before she could a hold of him, he ran off screaming. Kel chased Dom all the way down the road, until the two of them disappeared from sight.

Neal scattered the free items for the peasants all over the road. "Well, so much for the Help the Peasants Campaign."

"I never wanted to do this in the first place anyway," said Raoul.

"Hey, do you want to go hit on some hot girls?"

"Sure!" Neal and Raoul headed down the road in the opposite direction that Kel and Dom had gone. Jonathan had unfortunately managed to escape from the peasant woman and went back to the palace. Kel still held Lorenzo the eggplant hostage and was now trying to force herself into a marriage with Dom.

And that was the end of the Help the Peasants Campaign.

* * *

Hmm... I don't really think this chapter is as good as the other ones, but it will have to do. 


	11. Wow! An Actual Chapter!

Wow, I actually wrote another chapter of this. Hooray for me. I've just been feeling more creative than usual and came up with some more material for this story. So enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Eleven

Cleon was very sad. He was being neglected. He hadn't appeared in the last chapter at all. That is simply because nobody likes Cleon, but Cleon's oafish brain just couldn't comprehend that. Since he had been outlawed from Tortall, Cleon was forced to become a wandering hobo, roaming throughout various lands.

First he went to Scanra but the Scanrans tried to put his soul inside a machine and so he ran away. Then he went to the Copper Isles but Aly and Nawat chased him away with a Spatula of Death that Aly had stolen from her mother. The Spatula of Death was like the Spoon of Death, only better because you can flip hamburgers with it.

So Cleon finally went to the Yamani Islands. "My dewdrop lived here for six years, so this place reminds me of her!" Cleon said, trying to be romantic but only succeeding in sounding lame and oafish.

"Cleon! You found me!" said a voice.

"Yuki, what are you doing here?" Cleon asked. Yuki was chained to the trunk of a tree for some odd reason.

"I got kidnapped and shipped back to my homeland. Then some people chained me to this tree and have set loose a flesh-eating wildcat!"

"But who would do that?" Cleon wondered oafishly. "And why?"

Yuki tried to shrug but was unable to because of her chains. "I insulted a group of peasants and they got mad and ordered this to be done to me. It's all Kel's fault for making those stupid peasants bold and independent!" She tugged at her chains. "Now could you please free me? The flesh-eating wildcat is right behind you."

Cleon turned, saw the wildcat, and screamed the girliest of girly screams. Even the girliest of girlish girly girls couldn't scream as girlishly girly as Cleon did.

The wildcat pounced on Cleon and chewed out chunks of his hideous orange hair. Cleon managed to roll on top of the wildcat, and the poor wildcat was crushed by Cleon's oafish weight. Cleon got off of the animal and bit through Yuki's chains and then ate them. "Yum."

Yuki threw her arms around Cleon. "My hero! I desperately love you, even though you an idiot and an oaf! Let's get married so I can harm you with pointy objects and you won't be able to sue me because you love me!" She took a glaive out from behind a tree and poked Cleon with it.

"OW!" Cleon whined.

Yuki kissed Cleon but it caused Cleon's mouth to fall off. Yuki then grabbed Cleon's arm but accidentally ripped his arm off. "Oops." She got a needle and thread and stitched the parts back on. Since she was so horrible with a needle and thread, she attached Cleon's arm to the top of his head and his mouth onto his buttocks.

"Much better!" said Yuki. "Now let's go back to Tortall!"

"I can't," Cleon said. "I got outlawed from Tortall."

Suddenly, Daine appeared in the form of a giant flying pink. "PIGS MIGHT FLY!" screamed Alanna's voice.

"Hello!" said Daine the flying pig. "I am here to inform you that Cleon is no longer outlawed from Tortall. That rule no longer has any effect since Jonathan is currently unable to rule since he is being chased by crazed peasants. Now get on my back and I will fly you to Tortall. I will probably _accidentally_ drop you in the ocean on the way there, but that's a risk you'll have to take!"

And so Cleon and Yuki got on Daine's back and she flew them to Tortall. Right when they were almost there, Daine dropped them in the ocean and they almost drowned. Luckily, Cleon was large and oafish enough to serve as a raft, and so Yuki climbed on top of him and rafted to shore.

"Oh no!" screamed various Tortallans. "He's back! This is the worst day of our lives!"

"Oh no, she's back!" screamed Neal, pointing at Yuki. "This is the worst day of my life! Since I have put been under a powerful spell, I don't love you anymore, Yuki! Your love of pointy objects really frightens me." He started to cry.

"Cleon is my oafish lover now!" said Yuki. "He is about fifty times my size and is clumsy and has ugly red hair and freckles, but that doesn't matter because I am under the influence of Alanna's tuna sandwich!"

"Heh heh, sorry." Alanna quickly threw her tuna sandwich into the garbage.

"Thank goodness Cleon has found someone new," said Kel. "Now he will leave me alone and I can put all my energy into stalking Dom!"

"Noooo!" Dom screamed. "Get away from me!" He ran up a tree (like a cat) and sat curled up on the highest branch.

"Oh no!" said Kel in distress. "My Dom has gotten stuck in a tree! Somebody call the fire department!"

Owen suddenly came running towards them, making loud beeping noises with his mouth. "I am a member of the Jolly Department! I shall jolly rescue the jolly citizens!" He took an axe out of his pocket and was about to use it, but it slipped out of his hands and hit Cleon in the head.

"Oh," was all Cleon said. People as large and clumsy as him are unable to express themselves properly.

Owen retrieved his axe and chopped the tree down. The tree (along with Dom) came crashing to the ground and Dom broke seven of his ribs and three of his brain cells died.

"Lucky Dom," whined Jon. "Losing three brain cells is nothing to him! He's got a whole brain full of them! I've only got two and a half brain cells!" He burst into tears.

"POISON THE MONARCH!" screamed the peasant woman from the last chapter. A gigantic barrel of poison was in her arms and she started chasing Jon with it.

Anyway, Dom got hurt and was unable to move because a large tree had fallen right on top of him. Kel threw herself on him. "Oh, Dom! Since you are under this tree, you cannot run from me now! Be mine forever!"

"Can somebody please kill me?" Dom pleaded.

"No!" Kel pulled him out from under the tree, breaking four more of his ribs in the process, and attacked him in a giant hug, which broke two more of his ribs.

"At this rate, I'm not going to have a ribcage anymore," Dom said sadly.

"That's all right, I can heal you!" said Neal.

Alanna shoved him out of the way. "No, foolish former squire! I can heal him better!"

Neal pushed Alanna. "I'll heal him!"

Alanna twisted Neal's arm behind his back. "I'll heal him!"

Neal pulled Alanna's hair. "I'll heal him!"

Alanna kicked Neal between the legs. Neal squealed like a girl and crumpled to the ground. "I win!" said Alanna, cackling evilly. Poor Neal. He shall get his revenge.

Alanna then went over to Dom and shot some purple light at him. "There, Dom, your ribs are now healed. There's nothing I can do about your brain cells though. You're just going to have to live with a slightly lower I.Q. for the rest of your life."

Kel quickly grabbed Dom before he could run away. "I'm so glad you're all better now, my sexy sergeant!"

"I don't want to be your sexy sergeant!" cried poor Dom. He tried to wriggle out of Kel's grasp but the strong lady knight held onto him tightly. "Let's elope to some far-off country and be together forever!"

Dom finally managed to break free of Kel and hid behind Cleon. Cleon was so freakishly large that he made a perfect wall. Or shield. Or maybe elephant.

"If I had an elephant, I would name it Cleon," said George. "Elephants and Cleon just have so much in common!"

Kel ran towards Cleon, twirling her glaive around. "Cleon, get out of the way or I will slice and dice you! Actually, if you do move, I will slice and dice you anyway, along with Jon!"

"Why me?" whined Jon, who was still being chased by the peasant woman.

"Just let me poison you!" she shrieked.

"No," Jon whined. "Where's my fool of a wife when I need her? Thayet, save me!"

Thayet slithered around on the ground like a snake. She stuck out her tongue and glared at Jon with red eyes. "Use Cleon," she hissed mysteriously. She then slithered away, but first she bit Cleon on the ankle and Cleon nearly bled to death.

Jon picked Cleon up and threw him at the peasant woman. Cleon's oafish weight landed on the woman and crippled her for life.

"DOM!" Kel squealed. Since Cleon was no longer shielding Dom, he was hers for the taking. She grabbed him and made an attempt to take his shirt off. But before she could do so, Cleon ran towards them. "Hey, Dom! Do you want to trade girls?"

Dom's blue eyes lit up excitedly. "Sure!" He handed Kel to Cleon, and Cleon handed him Yuki.

Cleon gazed at Kel hungrily. "I finally have you, my fanciful blossom flower of eternal delight and expired broccoli. Let us make out passionately beneath the stars!"

"Cleon, it's _daytime_!" Kel pointed out. "You are the dumbest oaf I have ever had the misfortune of setting eyes upon."

"Aw, I love you too. Let's go find a haystack!" And Cleon shoved Kel into an itchy burlap sack and dragged her away.

Meanwhile, Neal was secretly trailing Alanna. He wanted revenge, and he was going to get it. Nobody kicks Neal in the you-know-where and gets away with it.

When Alanna bent down to pick a poisonous flower so she could crush it up and put it in Jon's tea, Neal made his move. As Alanna was bending over, Neal leaped in the air and gave her a kick right in the buttocks. Alanna went sprawling forward and started rolling. Unfortunately, she was right on top of a hill and kept on rolling, down and down. Actually, she was on a mountain and rolled for a long time. But the mountain really turned out to be a cliff and she landed in a heap on the ground after falling for a couple of hundred feet.

"Wow," was all Neal said.

Alanna got to her feet and dusted herself off. "Well that was quite a fall. Sadly, it has knocked out some of my brain cells and I have forgotten the meaning of anger." She shrugged. "Oh well."

While Alanna wandered around aimlessly and tried to discover the meaning of anger, Cleon had opened up his itchy burlap sack and pulled Kel out of it. "We are now at the haystack, my mirage of daylight! Let us snuggle intimately beneath the hay, even though my oafish body will probably crush you and then your parents will sue me."

"Never!" screamed Kel. She tried to run away but to her horror, discovered that she was handcuffed to Cleon.

"Somebody save me!" Kel cried.

"Stork-man to the rescue!" Numair sang out. He was riding on top Daine the flying pig and shot some black light out of his fingertips. The haystack disappeared and Cleon and Kel were standing right in the middle of a crowd of people.

"Kel, I never knew you secretly loved Cleon and lusted after him forever and have finally got him back!" said Neal.

Kel glared at him, even though all glares are supposed to be reserved for Cleon. "That's not true!"

Cleon hugged her (and nearly crushed her in his freakishly oafish arms). "Of course it is, pearl of my idiotic and cholesterol-clogged heart!"

Neal then looked at Dom and Yuki, who were sitting in a bed of flowers with the sunset right behind them and beautiful music playing in the background. They were looking into each other's eyes and held each other by the hands. The sunset's colors intensified and the beautiful music became even more beautiful. Oh, how touching. Quick, grab a tissue.

"Dom, since when are you romantically involved with the woman who I have rightfully rejected because I have realized I do not love her?"

"Dom and I traded girlfriends," said Cleon smugly. He was trying to hug Kel again. Eew.

"Kel is not my girlfriend!" Dom protested.

Kel grinned at him. "Oh yes you are! You're only using Yuki so you can make me jealous and then I will confess my undying love to you and then you'll dump Yuki and tell me you didn't really love her and then you will pledge your undying love to me and we will passionately kiss and live happily ever after forever and ever!"

Everyone stared at her.

"That was a jolly run-on sentence," said Owen.

Kel took a deep bow. "Thank you. I try my best."

"I'm so proud of you, my sparkling dewdrop that landed on a piece of dirty grass and then got stepped on by some animal!" said Cleon. "I am going to marry you now!"

"Now!" Kel shrieked. "Somebody fetch the king so he can make this illegal and prevent a horrible disaster!"

Jon appeared, looking annoying and constipated, as usual. "What do you want?" he complained.

"I want you to make it illegal for Cleon and I to get married!" Kel said.

"Fine, whatever," Jon whined. He snapped his fingers and some sparkly dust floated over to Cleon and Kel and made them sneeze. "Now you can't ever get married. Happy now?"

"Of course!" said Kel. She broke out of Cleon's grasp and danced around. Sadly, she was a very bad dancer and ended up knocking right into Numair and caused his pants to falls down. As Numair's pants fell off, everybody gasped at what they saw.

It turned that Numair's stork-like height was all a big lie. Numair wasn't tall at all. He was only two and a half feet tall and had been wearing stilts the whole time.

"GASP!" Daine gasped. "Numair, I can't believe you would wear stilts and then hide them with a pair of freakishly long pants!" She burst into tears and punched Cleon so she could let out her anger. "My boyfriend is a midget!"

"Eek!" squeaked Numair. He took off running but couldn't run very fast because his legs were too short.

"Well that sure was jolly disturbing," said Owen.

Cleon cried oafishly. "And I have lost my flower of fragrance!"

"And I have decided to become a man," said Yuki. "You may all call me Yuko now."

Dom burst into tears and punched Cleon so he could let out his anger. "Then all of this was a lie? But what about the sunset, and the hand-holding, and the beautiful music? I hate you Yuki- er, Yuko!"

Kel suddenly pounced on him and grabbed a hold of his wrist so he couldn't pull away. "I will be your girlfriend!"

"Never!"

"What if I pay you ten gold nobles a week? Then will you be my girlfriend?"

"Sure!" said Dom excitedly. Kel gave him a handful of money and he kissed her.

And so everybody lived semi-happily ever after, but not really. Kel was actually the only happy one and everybody else was in deep, agonizing misery. Will their fortunes improve? Nobody knows. And nobody actually cares very much, for that matter.

* * *

Wow, this chapter is really long. But that's a good thing. I think. Well, that doesn't matter, just review! 


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